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Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Okashii

Assalamualaikum,

Hi everyone, I hope all of you are doing great. It has been 2 days since I arrived here (my apartment in Kofu city, Yamanashi) from my summer vacation in Malaysia. Already missing my family.

6th semester will start in less than two weeks, it's gonna be tough, I guess. (Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir)

Well, spending these years with stress, suicidal thoughts(maybe the only reason I couldn't proceed was I don't wanna go to hell), self-harm, impulse control disorder... the peak was when I was in 4th and 5th semester. I wanted to stop studying but if I do so I might get myself a debt of few hundred thousand ringgit so tbh I just had no choice other than to push myself and complete this course. I don't know if I am "eligible" enough to say that I'm having "depression" because I haven't seen any psychiatrist for check up or anything sooo I'd say I'm just a lil bit stressed out. I really want to become more positive (God, please grant us strength), but you know those evil thoughts in your head that you can't control.

Anyway, I'd like to say sorry and thank you to those who listen/layan chat to my meroyan-ness about dropping out the uni; which I eventually don't have any courage to do so.

"Don't you feel ashamed for writing this in your blog?"

I don't mind really, 'cause last time I checked the blog's statistics, nobody visits my blog though so I think maybe only few "lucky" ones will have the chance to read this post; at least before I delete or archive it when the "conscious me" take over my body lol.



Pantai Telok Chempedak, Kuantan. Few days ago. Went there with beloved family.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Green Grass

Salam Ramadhan fasa terakhir.

Tahun ketiga ber-Ramadhan di perantauan. Alhamdulillah.

Suatu hari di bilik komputer KKI, member Jepun aku (dia ni ada lah beberapa kali disebut dalam status FB aku, sayang sangat dengan dia dulu, tapi belakangan ni rasa makin menjauh), dia cakap, "Aku rasa hidup Yana sebagai student jauh lagi seronok daripada hidup aku."

Pastu aku terdiam. Tak tahu nak respon apa. Sengih kejap. Tapi dalam kepala aku, "You don't know how many times I'm thinking of su****e. You don't know my suffering."

Lepas tu aku terfikir, "Kenapa aku macam ni? Kenapa aku bajet macam aku lah orang yang paling sengsara dalam dunia?"

「隣の芝生は青い」
"The grass is always greener on the other side."

Bersyukurlah Diyana. Ingat lagi tak macam mana masa kecil time sekolah rendah dulu kau nak sangat pergi Jepun? Ingat tak macam mana kau dulu beriya sangat nak sangat pegang drum dan guitar at least sekali sebelum kau mati?


Bersyukurlah Diyana.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

"Bulan Madu"

Berakhirnya bulan madu di bumi Sakura.

Human relations problems, overthinking.

Rasa macam aku ni invisible. Bagaikan melukut di tepi gantang. Ada menyemak, takda lagi bagus.